Pretentious Bitch

Chapter I: The Way You Speak

Dear America,

All over the world, dialects and accents enrich the culture and diversity of their respective countries. Speaking to someone in South France is a completely different experience from speaking to someone in North France (or even Central France). Regardless, the variety of expressions creates more opportunity to make language stronger, changing the timbres and themes of the country. America, you have once again failed to catch this drift.

Yo, dog, get the fuck out. Learn that speaking is better than talking, “from where do you come?” is better than “where do you come from?” and that “your mom” is in no way a form of eloquence. So, stop talking like peanut butter has been stuck in the roof of your mouth, pick your pants up, and save your country.

I

WANT

YOU

Love,

Seamus J. Finnegan

Prologue: Prelude to Judgement Day

Enjoy today, America. Today is the last day of your free and peaceful existence without judgement. Tomorrow, you go to Hell. Hell is a four-leaf clover, and this is your story.

You were founded in 1776 by a bunch of rich, white guys who really didn’t care about freedom, human rights, or… quite frankly, anything other than keeping their teeth (which were mostly wooden, to begin with.) [oh yes i did]

They proceeded to dictate the rights of man, while, all the while, neglecting to mention that those same rights were not necessary for ALL men. By “ALL men,” I mean women, children, the African-Americans, the Africans, the Israelis, the Arabic Peoples, the Spanish, the Irish, the Scottish, the Bri-(wait-for-it)-ish, the gays, the poor, the middle class, the not-rich-enough, the immigrants, the Native Americans, and almost everyone else who has ever lived.

Thank you, George Washing-machine. It’s time for another revolutionary war. This one will be fought with words.

Enjoy,

Seamus J. Finnegan